The Art of Being Yourself

There are moments when a single idea reframes the whole terrain of self-knowledge. Caroline McHugh’s TEDx talk, “The Art of Being Yourself,” is one of those moments. Her invitation is simple and radical: stop seeking reassurance and start seeking revelation. Do not look at yourself; look for yourself.

McHugh describes encountering the True Mirror — two mirrors set at right angles so the image you see is how others see you. In a standard mirror, we search for comfort: tidy hair, presentable face, an acceptable version of self. In the True Mirror, we are confronted with orientation rather than cosmetics. We notice the tilt of the head, the flicker of the eyes, the way presence actually lands. That shift from reassurance to revelation is the doorway to authenticity.

From a kaupapa Māori view, this resonates deeply. To move from image to essence is to move from performance to presence, from surface to wairua. The True Mirror becomes metaphor: a prompt to align what is felt, thought, and enacted — whakaaro, ngākau, whānau, mahi — so that the inner rhythm is coherent in the world.

Interiority Over Comparison

McHugh contrasts the familiar traps of superiority and inferiority with a third stance she calls interiority — a way of being that is non-comparative, grounded, and unthreatened. Interiority is where your life stops competing and starts expressing.

This is kin to mana as lived alignment. Mana is not volume; it is coherence. In interiority, your worth does not rise or fall with likes, titles, or applause. You are steady as the sky — unmoved by passing weather, whether storm or rainbow. In leadership practice, this is the difference between chasing validation and carrying mauri. It is the stance that makes courageous listening and clear decision-making possible.

Intervals of Possibility

McHugh points to inflection points that accelerate transformation — intervals of possibility. Some arrive gently through invitation. Many arrive abruptly through loss, failure, or upheaval. Both are openings. The call is to ask deep questions before crisis demands it:

• What does life expect of me now?

• What does my community need that only I can offer in good faith?

• What is the work that is mine to do?

This is the rhythm of poutama — ascending one step at a time, integrating insight into practice, and allowing each threshold to reshape identity. Intervals of possibility are not detours. They are the path.

Four Circles of Self-Identity

McHugh outlines four “circles” that shape the experience of self:

1. What others think of you.

   Perception is real, and context matters. But it is weather, not climate.

2. What you want others to think of you.

   Aspiration is a healthy force when it emerges from values, not vanity. It keeps growth alive.

3. What you think of yourself.

   The ego oscillates — self-congratulation on some days, self-castigation on others. Wisdom is the still point between, the equanimity that remains when praise and blame pass through.

4. The unchanging you.

   This is the steady current beneath roles and seasons — the you that has been present since childhood and will be present in elderhood. It is not a brand. It is a birthright.

A kaupapa-aligned reading places these circles within a living system. Whakapapa grounds the fourth circle. Whanaungatanga shapes the first. Whaihua — meaningful contribution — purifies the second. Wairua steadies the third. When these interact in balance, identity is not an act; it is a practice.

From Larger-Than-Life to Life-Sized

McHugh notes that people who are truly themselves seem “larger than life.” The truth is simpler: life is large when you stop shrinking to fit. In kaupapa terms, this is not permission for ego inflation; it is permission for full presence. To stand in your note without drowning out the choir. To bring your pūkenga — your integrated repertoire of gifts—into service of purpose and people.

Humility as Orientation

McHugh offers a definition of humility worth carrying: it is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking about yourself less. In Te Ao Māori, this aligns with ngākau māhaki — a person of gentle humility and grace. It speaks not to self-deprecation, but to quiet confidence grounded in respect, relational awareness, and the steady presence of aroha in action.

This lands squarely in Hā Tārewa: Poutama Flow™ — leadership as embodied rhythm in which attention moves from self-preoccupation to kaitiakitanga. You become the steady instrument through which collective music can be made.

Leadership Implications

• Presence before performance. A team feels the truth of your interior before it hears your words. Presence calibrates the message.

• Design for revelation. Create spaces — wānanga — where people can look for themselves, not at themselves. Replace performative check-ins with reflective practice that welcomes honest seeing.

• Name the interval. When change knocks, do not patch the old; discern the new. Mark thresholds. Honour endings and beginnings.

• Hold the True Mirror. Offer feedback that restores dignity and clarity. Reflect patterns, not just behaviours. Notice the head-tilt — those subtle orientations that shape outcomes.

• Choose contribution over comparison. Ask, “What is the work only I can do here, in service of kaupapa?” Then do that work well and quietly.

Closing Reflection

Your life is your message. Not the curated version, but the coherent one — the life in which your values, voice, and actions move as one. The art of being yourself is not a performance to perfect; it is a haerenga to remember. When reassurance fades and revelation begins, the True Mirror stops being an object on the wall and becomes a way of walking — kanohi ki te kanohi with your own integrity, and with those you serve.

Reflection for Leaders

• Where in my leadership am I seeking reassurance rather than revelation?

• What interval of possibility is present right now, and what truthful question must I ask before it hardens into crisis?

• Which circle needs attention today—perception, aspiration, ego equilibrium, or the unchanging self?

• How can I make room for others to bring their one true note without forcing them to sing mine?

Further Exploration

To deepen this practice through kaupapa-aligned pathways with Manawa Kōkopu:

• Manu Hōmiromiro: Poutama Insights™ – cultivating strategic clarity and thinking rhythm.

• Hā Tārewa: Poutama Flow™ – strengthening embodied presence and relational rhythm.

• Te Puna Kōrero: Poutama Signature™ – refining voice, language, and identity in action.

For the TED Talk itself: Caroline McHugh — The Art of Being Yourself (TEDxMiltonKeynesWomen)

Image credit: Tahere, K. (2025). Used with permission.

Author: Megan Tahere. (2025).